Over the past few weeks, I have started looking for help in solving what I believe is a social anxiety disorder.

The words “I need help” are extremely tough for me to say. It feels like I’m conceding. It feels like I’m tossing in the towel.

But it’s a step I need to take to improve my life.

Bottom line: I’m afraid of most social situations and most people, whether it’s dating, waiting in line at the store, working out in public or going to family gatherings.

If you’ve gotten me to drive 40 minutes away from my home to Grain Valley, MO. in order to hangout with your family and BBQ, convinced me to do a podcast with you or I’ve done yoga with you and went to your baby shower with lots of strangers, congratulations. I can’t give you any higher compliment. You made me dig deep inside myself and find something I didn’t have.  Only a select few have been to make me do that.

Now I hope I can have that same type of response to everyone. If I’ve been cold to you in the past, quiet or not showed up at parties or invites, please forgive me - or at least be understanding. Large gatherings literally scare me. I’m afraid.

While every case may be different, here are some of the experiences I have dealt with over the past 33 years:

1. I’m afraid to ask women out. To some extent, this is true for a lot of men. For me, my anxiety has prevented me from dating a few folks who in retrospect I know would have said yes. There are a lot of single people out there for a lot of reasons. I don’t want to be single. I tell myself this every time. But my fear of asking a girl out prevents me from fixing this. That’s not good. 

2. I typically go the gym between midnight-3 a.m. out of fear of working out in front of a million people. OK, it might just be 30 - but it feels like a million.  

3. I feel like a lot of people hate me…even if that’s not the case.  

4. Sometimes I take coaching as personal criticism. That’s not good.  

5. I’m afraid of inviting people over to my apartment.  

6. I stay quiet in the bar unless someone directly asks me a question or feedback on something.  

7. I’m afraid of starting a conversation.  

8. I’m afraid of being the center of attention in a social setting.  

9. I’m afraid of saying the word “love.” 

10. I’m afraid of standing in a line at grocery store. It’s often the biggest reason I use the self-check out lines.  

11. I over apologize for things — even when I’m right.  

12. I have a crippling fear of being embarrassed.  

13. I sit alone in my apartment most weekends and stay inside out of fear.  

14. I rarely eat out.  

15. I rarely run outside.

This is who I have been for the past 33 years of my life. I’m hoping my next 33 years are a lot of different.

Coming out like this and posting it online and on social media feels embarrassing and might be considered surprising for my friends and colleagues, but it’s a step I have to take to get better and to explain myself.

I don’t exactly know what the measuring sticks are. However, my goal is to just get a little bit better each week, month or whatever.

I want a happy life. I

Thank you for reading.